I can do this.
I am a grown woman. Breathe.
Avert your eyes, Mom.
If nothing else, the following review has taught me to read my email a little more clearly.
Imagine, if you will, you are me, and 742 emails a day come through, asking you to read a book, use a new pan, try a specialty flour guaranteed to make the best cakes ever. So many emails that they all start to run together.
But you know you need to be working on some Valentine Posts for the upcoming holiday. And then poof – there’s an email. It has the words Valentine, $200 in product to review, Giveaway to your reader, and Spicy.
Well what could be wrong with that?
I love good review opportunities, and I especially love being able to give you guys treats for dropping by and reading my blog. So I said sure, send it on!
And then I waited.
Yesterday UPS dropped off a box the size of a dorm fridge and ran. I think maybe he was embarrassed, not that the box gave any clue to what was inside. But you know these UPS drivers- they think they know everything. Order a pair of very conservative wool house slippers from Victoria’s Secret and he giggles to himself because he just knows he’s delivered $600 worth of skivvies. Gutterbrained Brown. And does it bother you when someone calls Victoria’s Secret Victoria Secrets? It does me. Nails on a chalkboard, really.
But I digress.
So I set about to opening my box of Valentine Spices. Saffron, perhaps? Edible gold leaf?
Now, as far as anyone knows, including my husband’s parents, who are quite possible reading this, I’ve had relations a total of one time, and that was in 2006 when I got pregnant. Of course I’m not convinced that didn’t involve a tainted toilet seat incident, but that’s neither here nor there.
What I do know is that those relations didn’t involve any of the spices in this well displayed black box.
I can’t bring myself to even type out the names of some of these, um, spices…But, yeah.
Don’t get me wrong…I’m no prude. And I think going to a party where hens sit around and giggle and chat and spend money on these kinds of things is liberating and fun and just about the closest thing there is to a bunch of guys playing poker and smoking cigars all night. Except gigglier. And sweeter smelling. But talking about it? Well, that’s a little outta my comfort zone. So bear with me!
The first thing I picked up was Edible Body Powder. Dust Me Pink, it’s called. Berry flavored, supposedly. Initial gut reaction? I wonder if I can make buttercream with this? (and I’m not sure I can’t, so stay tuned for a smutty cupcake recipe, just in case I’m right.) Got to try new things, don’t we? So I did. Cute little ball this stuff is packaged in, with a powder puff for application. Don’t ask me how I know, but this shimmery berry dust not only tastes like light honey, but will also render a woman totally blind for a good 12 minutes if you aren’t careful about how much you blink while dusting your shoulders.
But it wasn’t tested on animals, so no one would really know that without feedback. Consider yourself back-fed. Avoid the eye region. This is intended for Adult. Use.Only. They ain’t playing.
Next thing I grabbed was a package of little bottles. I really wish it had a different name, as it pains me a little to type Coochy. Not making that up. It’s a conditioning shave lotion, and despite it’s skanky name, it’s actually pretty good stuff. I shaved my legs with it last night, and I can tell a difference in the shave today. Smoother, softer. They say you can use it as hair conditioner as well, but I’m not sure I would. I tried Pear Berry, which I thought would smell nice and sweet, but it was a bit generic to me. Not sure generic is the right word… Not medicinal, but not Bath & Bodyworks, either. Anyway, it does offer a nice shave, and hey…that’s what it claims to do. There were several other scents, and I imagine I’ll go through all of them at some point. A good shaving cream is hard to come by. This one claims it reduces razor burn, and so far, so good.
Last thing I’m going to share with you is the Bubblebath/Shower Gel called Excape. Again, several scents here, and I opted for Island Breeze. This product claims it puts one in the mood. It doesn’t clarify what KIND of mood, though. The mood to do laundry? Homicide? Shop for shoes?
I took a chance.
Turns out I was only put in the mood to question myself for about half an hour, as once I dumped some in my bath, I noticed it claims to contain Pheromones. I have the Internet. I know what pheromones are. But which ones? The girl ones, or the boy ones? Is this going to make me want my husband? Is this going to make me a lesbian? Am I okay with that? Now that I’m okay with that, should I clean the soap scum off the top of the tub? What can I use to get that off of there? Should I buy a new shower curtain? Do we have any Fruit Roll Ups in the house? I’m starving.
You see, it made me a little crazy.
But, it smelled good. Which led me to more questions. Who is this stuff FOR? Certainly not the man in the equation. I mean, think about it. Tell me a man needs edible body dust and smooth legs to enjoy a good romp and I’ll tell you he’d be just as thrilled if you showed up from a weekend camping trip carrying beer and Doritos offering to hop in the sack. But I guess feeling a little sassy never hurt anyone, and sometimes it’s fun to be a bit adventurous. Like Valentines Day.
Now, there were several other things in that fancy black box to try, but I’m not getting into those, as this is a family show and I’m pretty sure I wont be making cupcakes out of any of the other products, especially those requiring batteries.
Okay then. If you’re still here and you would like to win a nice little Sampler Pack of goodies to share with your man, or to give to your best girlfriend at her Bridal Shower, or to make cupcakes with, here’s your chance. There may be more to the Giveaway, but I’m not positive, so here’s what I KNOW you’d be getting…
Pure Romance’s most popular products in one convenient collection! Mini Nights of Passion variety pack allows you to enjoy a bottle of Aura, Ex-T-Cee, Excape, Sensations and Sweet Seduction — the ultimate combination for romantic nights away from home.
Perfect sampler pack; great for travelers and personal shower gifts.
Includes one bottle each of: Aura (Seductive Sage), Ex-T-Cee (Strawberry), Excape (Island Breeze), Sensations (Strawberry), Sweet seduction (Original)
I won’t embarrass you by making you leave me a comment. HAHA. Yes I will. If I had to write the post, you have to leave me a comment.
Just tell me if you’ve been to a Pure Romance Party, or, a similar Girls Night Out Party. You don’t have to tell me what you bought, or which size batteries it took, just say yay or nay, and if it was fun or not. I’ll choose one winner at Random on February 11 at 11:59am EST, and alert you via email. And then I’ll email your husband or boyfriend to let him know the gift is on the way. Hehe. You know better than that. Ages 18 & Up only, please, and US 48 as well. Thanks for reading!
A little Pure Romance Bio…
Patty Brisben, the founder of Pure Romance, started the company in 1993 to empower, educate, and entertain women. Since then, the company has grown to over 70,000 product consultants who live the company’s mission each and every day.
Empowerment: This jobless recovery is taking its toll on families, however very often our Pure Romance consultants report that they are meeting or exceeding their income expectations. Sales have been recession-resistant. Pure Romance experienced a 37% increase in sales in 2010. Pure Romance also empowers women because they are able to take control of their sex lives, which can have an impact on quality of life.
Education: Pure Romance products resonate with women unlike any other in the category due to our commitment to educating women about their bodies and our products. The Pure Romance partnership with the Kinsey Institute, coupled with our curriculum developed by our Director of Sexual Health Education, means our 70,000 consultants are trained to provide the most helpful information and advice. Pure Romance doesn’t sell in stores because in-home parties offer women fun, private, peer-to-peer learning opportunities about romance, intimacy and sex.
Entertainment: Whether it’s the fun and camaraderie of the Pure Romance parties themselves, the use of Pure Romance products by a woman, or a couple’s inventive Pure Romance fun, entertainment is at the core of the company’s mission.