Head Above Water

I haven’t said anything in a while.

Not much to say, I guess.  Just been bobbing in the waves, riding this thing out.  Some days are easier than others.

I survived the trip to the in-laws for Christmas.  Yes, it was awkward.  I can’t pinpoint any one particular reason, and the things I COULD say to rationalize it would probably just sound insane.

So, maybe I should say them.  Hell, if I THINK them, I may as well SAY them.  Just say it and move on.

No one there mentioned ANYTHING to me.  None of them.  Not a word. Not a “Thanks for overlooking our son’s/brother’s asinine behavior and coming to share your son with us at Christmas.”  Not a hug that implied it, either.  Did I want them to say something?  I don’t know.  Maybe not.  But maybe they should have?  Worse than that, for me though, was something that I am full on aware of being stupid.

Jon’s Stocking.

It had a lump of coal in it.  For being “Naughty” this year.


It isn’t something to make light of, to joke about.  At least I don’t think so.  He wasn’t “naughty” – he was an ignorant ass who damn near ruined his marriage, not once, but twice.

Lump of coal.

That’s just rubbed me the wrong way for weeks now.

Another thing that has happened to me is although I’ve not gotten much feeling back – still numb, I guess – the feeling I HAVE gotten back is snappy. Short tempered.  Quick to jump.  I have to constantly control many of my responses.  For example, if he says something as trivial as “I’ve had a bad day”  I have to hold back a biting Well, you should have to deal with having your spouse fuck around on you – but I don’t want to be the person who says these things, or thinks these things.  It happens ALL the time.

I hope this feeling goes away eventually.

On another note, Seven and I are doing well.  He had a fabulous Christmas, and I was thrilled that he did.  He got everything that he wanted, and more.  It’s pretty easy when the kids asks for Rock’em Sock’em Robots.  Next year may be harder.

On the money front, I landed a from home job – it’s a contract position, only for a month, but it pays really well and will help with the bills.  Jon is still partially unemployed – but he does work.  Hopefully his company will be back full speed soon.  I am also still creating recipes for an online store, and that is great for me, as well as working occasionally at the family store. 

We are making it work.

As for the Rose Bowl Trip – it was good.  Not great, as I really, really wanted to feel something for him.  I can’t explain it…just – something.  I wanted to be in love.

Maybe someday.

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