the post where i talk about new york city, martha stewart, and her hateful brat daughter
I bet you thought I was going to say something unpleasant about The Martha, didn’t you? I can’t imagine what might have led you to think that.
Did you know that I was going back to the Martha Show last week? I did. I went. I wasn’t sure what to expect, considering the way I left things last time. But there I was, invited to go back and be a part of a “special show” about bloggers. I’m just going to go ahead and start my little rant now, if you don’t mind. This show wasn’t special. It wasn’t even that much about bloggers. Let me explain.
When I was told about the show, I had high hopes that a blogger or two I knew would be highlighted. You know, out of a gozillion bloggers on the internet, to be a selected group of around 160 is kind of awesome. And thanks to Twitter, I knew that several of the people I tweet with were also going to be in attendance, and we were all pretty stoked about it. Seriously, it’s an honor to even be considered worthy, right? Yes, it is. And when we got to the queue outside the studios on Thursday morning, I was a little thrilled to see that the staff was approaching each of us to ask about our blogs, and did we have anything to share with Martha, and wow, thanks for coming. It was encouraging. The Martha wants to know about US. Bloggers. Finally, the world is going to see what kind of people we are and that we aren’t all introverted freaks of nature. (Not saying ME, because that sums me up pretty well.) But anyway, we get inside, we think there may be a shot that something we have to say may end up broadcast for the nation to see. Except, well, we were about to be disappointed for thinking that.
Things are different this time at the show. For starters, we weren’t reminded nearly enough to use the bathroom. 4 times, I think? Not enough. We were also not offered a meal, albeit from a truck parked outside last time, it was still offered. Not this time. We were also ushered in to the studio in a more timely fashion this go round, as they wanted us all to make sure we could get online and be ready to live tweet/live blog the show. I got online fairly easily. I saw faces I recognized…Kamran, the 17 year old “Sophisticated Gourmet”. Jennifer of In Jennie’s Kitchen. Tami of Running With Tweezers. Jennifer of Savor The Thyme. Cool to see in person the folks you’ve only known through the internet. But I digress. The show starts right on time. Martha makes her entrance, all 7 feet of her, in highwater khaki britches and a pair of stripper shoes. The heels were at least 7 inches. At least. She rocked them, really. Jon (the Hub o’mine) started tweeting that it looked like Big M was a little too big for her sweater. I punched him and made a mean face, but he was actually right. Not that I have any room whatsoever to talk. I saw a picture of me that Kamran took from the studio, and wow, FatAssaTriChinAsaurus. Not even sharing the link to the photo with you folks.
Okay, so Statue Martha starts the show with Pim, the “blogger” from Thailand who makes Pad Thai with her. Pim is the “Queen of the Food Bloggers”? Who said? I mean, yes, I have heard of her, but Queen? Maybe the Pioneer Woman could be Queen. Wait. Is this a monarchy? I prefer a democracy. We should get to vote. Pim can not be the Queen. There. I said it. So, anyway, we get a copy of Pim’s book. Perhaps it is supposed to be the Code of Conduct for her constituents. Beat’s me, she ain’t my queen. Not much in it held my interest. Moving on…
Brian Williams was supposed to be the headliner of the show. I saw his picture in the promos. I can’t say what happened here, but maybe he was called away to Haiti, where more important things than yarn adorned cards were being addressed. Not sure how that’s possible. But nonetheless, he was not there. Guess who filled in for him?
Alexis freaking Stewart. As in, Martha’s daughter. I don’t keep up with the gossip columns like I used to, but I know there used to be (and still appears to be) bad blood between this Mommy Daughter combo. Alexis and her buddy Jennifer have a radio show and a blog. They are the “Whatever Girls.” I am not good at remembering quotes, but I like to pretend like I am, so, you can quote me on this. I’m pretty darned close to verbatim…
Martha: Alexis, I think your blogs are so great. But you don’t update very often. People want to hear more from you.
Alexis:…….
Martha: They want to know more about you. Like how you blocked traffic for umpteen hours to move your gigantanormous midcentury modern sofas into your apartment.
Alexis: (glare)
Martha: So, you should blog more.
Alexis:…(huff) Well, I actually have to WORK 2 hours a day. I would rather live my life than update the blog more than every couple of weeks.
Martha: Okay, wellll. So, Jennifer! You play the recorder!
Jennifer proceeds to play Let’s Get Physical on the recorder. Not kidding. She rocked it. She saved the segment.
Martha: So, Alexis, what blogs do you read?
Alexis: I don’t. Blogs are stupid.
And so on, and so on. Way to make bloggers look like rockstars, beeyatch.
When their segment was over, Martha hugged the buddy, Alexis clearly positioned herself anywhere she could to be as far away from mommy as possible.
Now, I took the whole “I actually have to WORK two hours a day” as a stab against her Mom. Not sure how or why, as it is obvious that Martha works her fool ass off. Multiple shows, radio, magazines, endorsements and product lines. She sounded like a whiny, ungrateful snot. If Martha hadn’t made herself the magnate she is, Alexis would have to have given up being a lesbian and hoped for an old wrinkly sugar daddy to keep her in expensive pantyhose. Get a grip, Alexis. Without Martha, you’d just be a bitch and not a rich bitch. Such a fine line between Old Navy and Prada, huh?
So, I follow along with all of the other Bloggers who are live tweeting. So many are saying – Oh, isn’t Alexis snarky? – not, oh, isn’t Alexis a snarly snotwagon Beeyatch. Perhaps they were being polite. She didn’t come across as snarky to me. Spoiled. Bitter. Hateful. Irritated. Ingrate…any of those seemed more fitting. So I tweeted what I felt. The Martha and Company will see it, for sure. At least I was being honest. And unless I come up with a cure for fallen souffles and foolproof buttercream roses, there’s little chance I will ever be asked back to the Martha Show.
The next two to three segments were shite. One “blogger” was an annoying asskisser who tried to turn himself into the male(ish) version of Julie WhatsHerFace by blogging his way through one of Martha’s cookbooks. They decorated a cake together and made bloggers look like dumbasses. Mister? You won’t be getting a book deal. I’m not even sure he made it out of the studio by himself. But at least he was a hair more adept than the next guy, who I really paid so little attention to it’s like a fleeting bad smell on the highway. I think they were using yarn to decorate paper. A dude. Decorating paper. With yarn. I saw a big gift basket come out full of yarn-y stuff and he clapped. Oh, fork me. When is this show going to get real? It’s supposed to be about BLOGGERS. Meanwhile, Jon, The Hub, is still tweeting nasty things and mocking the shemale in front of him “for wearing his grandmother’s pearls” to the Martha Show. Hello? Of course he is. It’s dress up day, Jon.
Next up, the one audience member who gets attention. Another MarthaStalker. “Hire Me Martha” gets a 30 second intro, and gets promised a tour of the facility. I don’t know if she got “hired” or not, because I am too disenchanted to even go read on her blog whether she did or not. Not because I am jealous, or because her blog doesn’t rock, because it might. In fact, I applaud her for her creativity. Smart move. But the show was to be about bloggers, I thought. Not Martha Stalkers. Not ass kissers.
And every single audience member is lying if they say they weren’t expecting some kind of swag. I mean , it was a “Special Show”, right? Not your normal show. This was a show that many of us drove or flew to for that very reason. Special. And we got? Pim’s book. That is all. No Netbook. No new laptop. No iPhone, no Blackberry. Not even a calculator or a chocolate bar. No Trapper Keeper. Nada. Hell, I would have been pleased with a coupon for her cookware at Macy’s, for crying out loud. But it was like, well, this show is full of sucky people so I’m not even gonna give them the lotion samples and airplane peanuts that I give out to the other shows.
Now I sound spoiled, too. Gag. Sorry about that. I just expected more. Not more as in gifts, but more as in more. More about blogging. Blogging is so important to me, and to the people I know who took time off of work, left their families, and came to the show. It was a letdown.
The shoes though? Not a letdown. Yves St. Laurent. On sale, Martha said. She actually threw her LEG up on the counter for everyone to gawk at. She even said they were the kind of shoes that were great for leaving on. We all know what that means, except for well, my own Mom, and no Mom, I am not explaining it. Google it. Try starting with FMP’s.
So, all in all I did have a nice time at Martha. It wasn’t what I had hoped, but I did get to meet a few bloggers, I got a hug from one of the Martha employees who remembered me from last time, and I made a few contacts that will hopefully appear here on the DoughMessTic site as sponsors in the near future. I have a new respect for Big M, thanks to the shoes, and thanks to the way her daughter treated her. Rotten. No Mom should have to deal with that. In the future though, should I GET invited back, it’ll have to be to be ON the show, not in the audience. I’ve been there, done that. It’s someone else’s turn.
Back to being an introverted freak of nature. But only for a bit. You see, I’ve decided to leave the house and try my hand at substitute teaching.
Now, if I could just get over that whole distaste of children thing.
