50 Shades of Grey…Very Vanilla Ice Cream

I’m sorry, you guys.  I couldn’t resist.

50 Shades of Grey has infiltrated my life, and now everyone – that means you – must suffer.

I have many, many thoughts on this trilogy- 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker, 50 Shades Freed…some of which it’s likely best I keep to myself.  But who am I kidding?  You know I don’t keep much to myself.


If you’ve read the books, you know why this Vanilla Ice Cream is tied in to the books.  But to those of you who have NOT read the series, I’m going to give you a brief rundown and likely long and drawn out editorial.


Well, I haven’t written a book report since college in the late 1990’s, and this is my blog, and I can do whatever I want.

50 Shades of Grey, in case you haven’t heard, is a poorly written and yet absolutely impossible to put down series of “Mommy Porn” that has swept the nation.  Don’t ask me why.  There so many bad things about the books that I really don’t even know where to start.  The author has little imagination, or rather, a bad imagination.  I feel pretty sure she’s never had sex, ever, or if she has, it’s with a cat.  Nor has she spent any time at all in a penthouse, or a hotel, or a boat, or a glider, or an office.  She’s never driven a car, never had a bracelet from Cartier, never had a glass of Cristal, never been to Aspen, and definitely, never been to France.  Did I already say never had sex?  She’s never had sex.

I think she reads lots of books with pictures, and Googles more than most.

Or maybe Bing.  Either way, she’s not very good at it.

The basic “Back of the Book” premise is this: a 21 year old recent college grad fortuitously falls in to a relationship with a 28 year old bazillionaire bohunk who just so happens to like to tie girls up and do deviant things with them.  Under contract, of course.  And in a specially designed room that smells like leather and Pledge.  All day long, everyday, (or at least on the weekend) and then spend a buncha money on safe cars and employing a cast of poorly developed supporting characters.

The Vanilla comes in to play early on, so I won’t really be ruining this for you.

College girl (a virgin, no less) ends up doing the deed with moneybags on her first date with him.  He doesn’t force her into the Room o’ Pledge though, and thus, dubs the experience “Vanilla Sex.”

So, so dumb.

Here’s where I go in to my rant that you didn’t ask for.  Let me list for you the complete ridiculousness that these books are.

1. Good Looking 21 year old collegiate virgin with a very sexual roommate. RiigghhtSure she’s a virgin.  Me too.

2. 28 year old gozillionaire who we never really know how he makes money, other than he’s the complete rip-off 28 year old version of Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.  A shipbuilder?  Maybe?  No.  Unless he’s Zuckerberg, he doesn’t make 100 grand an hour. BUT – I can buy that before I can buy that a 28 year old male can have round after round of sex without stoppingCome on.  If he was 19? Maybe.  But this guy’s been around, and it just ain’t happening.

3.  Cherry. Multiple Os. Give. Me. A. Break.  I hope no 16 year old little girls are reading this, or they’re in for a world of disappointment come prom night.  Just go to the dance, grab a bite at Applebee’s, and go to the after-prom party and sing karaoke.  You’ll get more out of it.

4.  In the course of 3 books, she ALWAYS gets hers, and gets hers first, or rather, simultaneously, every single time, save once.  This book may as well be science fiction and take place on Neptune.

5.  Cartier doesn’t even make a Glider Charm. Come ON. Does she own a computer at all?  If I was Cartier, I’d be pissed.

6.  110 POUNDS. That’s what 5 million dollars in 100 dollar bills weighs. In case you were wondering.  If weighs roughly what our heroine weighs.  Good luck with that.

I’m sorry, but E.L. James has only had sex with a tabby.  I can almost buy the umpteen billion dollars, but I can’t get past the orgasm thing.  She’s living in outer space.  With cats.  And Pledge.

I don’t want to say any more.

I will, however, say I enjoyed the books, sordid and ridiculous as they were.  Cartier also does not make a vanilla ice cream charm.

I do.

Well, not a charm.  I make Vanilla Ice Cream.  VERY Vanilla Ice Cream.  And please, don’t call Vanilla plain.  That’s not fair.  There’s nothing plain about Vanilla, especially if you use a potent, gorgeous, juicy vanilla bean.  And vanilla sugar.  And vanilla salt.  And vanilla extract.


Nope, nothing plain about vanilla.

I recommend eating it in bed, if you can, but avoid being tied up at the time, as I read it gets all melty, and you really don’t get much of a taste, then you have to do laundry.

You get other stuff though.  Supposedly. (Not gonna happen, ladies.  All your gonna get is a bottle of Tide and an evening against the spin cycle.)

Just make the ice cream.  Read the books.  It will all work out.

50 Shades of Grey…Very Vanilla Ice Cream

Rating: 51

Yield: 1 Quart


  • 1 cup whole milk
  • 1 vanilla bean, split and scraped
  • 3/4 cup Vanilla Sugar
  • pinch of Vanilla Salt
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • 4 large egg yolks
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract


  1. In small sauce pot, combine the milk, sugar, salt and vanilla bean seeds and empty bean pod and stir over medium heat. Once simmering, remove from heat, cover, and allow to steep for one hour.
  2. After one hour, removed bean pod (save for later use). Reheat milk mixture over medium-low heat.
  3. In a separate bowl, whisk egg yolks. Once milk mixture is hot, temper the yolks by adding half of the mixture into the eggs, whisking constantly. Return mixture to saucepan, and heat until thickened.
  4. Pour heavy cream into a large mixing bowl over an ice bath. Strain custard into the cream, stirring until cooled. Add vanilla extract, stir, and place in refrigerator until thoroughly chilled, about 5 hours or overnight.
  5. Once chilled, add to ice cream maker and follow manufacturer’s instructions for freezing.


Vanilla beans are a versatile ingredient in cooking and baking. In this recipe, once you remove the steeped pod from the milk, pat it dry and save it for future use, such as adding to a container of sugar. Just shake the container once or twice a week, and you’ll have a delicious vanilla sugar to add to your baked goods or morning coffee. Don’t throw those pricy beans away!


While I can’t buy you cars and villas and whip you into submission, I CAN offer you some Vanilla.  Like, real vanilla.  I’m a Beanilla addict (you should see my cupboards), and I refuse to use anything else.  I full on suggest the beans from Uganda – talk about robust! – for making this ice cream.  However, all of their varieties are amazing.  I also use their vanilla sugar and salts, in addition to their extracts.  Yes, I do make my own extract as well, but I use their beans to do it.  Like I said, I’m an addict.

The Giveaway

How would you like a nice assortment of goodies from Beanilla?  I’ve arranged just that for you.  Wasn’t that nice?  (See, I can be nice sometimes, as long as you don’t lie about your sex life.)  You know what else?  I’ll throw in a copy of my brand new Ice Cream cookbook.  Heck, I’ll sign it if you want, but that seems silly since I’m not famous.

Here’s how to win:

  • Tell me what you want to make using Beanilla.
  • Follow Beanilla on Twitter , then leave me a separate comment.
  • Become a Beanilla Fan on  Facebook, then return here to let me know you did.
  • Pin a picture from this post, then leave me a separate comment.

There you go – 4 chances to win.  Giveaway is open until 11:59pm EST on May 25.  Vanilla is courtesy of Beanilla, and book is courtesy of me.  I was not compensated in any way for this post. Good Luck!


I fully blame Brandi of BranAppetit for introducing me to this raunchy series of books, so if you have issues with my reading them, take it out on her. And, in case you are needing another Grey’s inspired recipe, check out her upcoming post – she made stir fry.

No idea who chopped the veggies.

Laters, Baby.


  1. Pinned ice cream!!

  2. Megan Cecil says:

    I love Beanilla! I would use it for so many things… cakes, cupcakes, ice cream to name a few!

  3. Megan Cecil says:

    I am a beanilla fan on facebook

  4. Megan Cecil says:

    I pinned the ice cream!

  5. I want to make all the things. That is…amazing. actually, I want to try making a custard berry pie thing I saw the other day witha vanilla custard. That would be perfect for a high quality vanilla.

  6. Melanie says:

    I would make this ice cream of course. My husband will love me even more than he already does! He loves vanilla anything , but especially ice cream!


  7. Melanie says:

    I pinned the ice cream!

  8. I usually make my mom buy me vanilla when she goes to Mexico. But sadly, I’ve run out and she won’t be vacationing soon, so I REALLY need some. McCormick just doesn’t know how to do vanilla. I use it in all my baking – it’s a staple!

  9. I’ve never used real vanilla extract (I’m a loser, I know! ) so I would love to use Beanilla in every flippin’ thing I can.

    And can I confess…I have read the trilogy like 5 times. I’m an addict. I think the completely ridiculous impossibility of the story is what makes it my addiction :)

    And can I also say – so excited to have found your blog through Picky Palate! ;)

  10. I would make some vanilla ice cream- probably your recipe :)

  11. Naeesha says:

    The ice cream looks fab, but since your post on the porn was so candid, I’d like to share a few things to make you reconsider the ridiculousness of #2 and 4 on your list:
    My man is in his late 30ies and can go again, and again, and again. And I always (always!) get mine first. And second. And most times third. Not to brag (;.) ), just wanted to let you know that maybe the author did indeed have sex, and she just got really lucky.

  12. I read the books too, love/hated them, can’t stop thinking about them, and obviously need to make this vanilla ice cream, have my boyfriend spread it all over my stomach and NOT recreate the part where I orgasm solely from him licking it off me.

  13. I found your blog on google search engine by typing in the books name, your blog is no longer shared with just foodies and fellow wives anymore. As a former dominatrix i struggle to see how the term ‘Vanilla’ (which is a metaphor used in the BDSM scene to differentiate between an plain sex life compared to the deviant nature of the underworld bdsm lifestyle) can be used in comparison to a food substance.

    If you have ever (with consent) tied your mans hands up, dripped hot wax on him whilst chaining him to an electric pulse machine on his cherries and cucumber if he steps out of line, then make him clean your boots with his tongue, you will soon realise that the ‘vanilla’ metaphor relating to a plain sex life simply cannot be used in comparison to a food substance.

    I am charmed by your innocence, however; you cannot critisise the writer for her lack of reasearch, when you ought to have researched yourself before writing on an underworld topic that has evidently tittilated your curiosity, but you lack the knowledge to blog about.

  14. Two things I’d make: my own vanilla extract if it wasn’t included in the Beanilla goodie box; then I’d make my beloved grandmother’s vanilla ice cream which I think is a heavier custard than yours (only half & half and cream and more eggs). Fortunately I now have an electric ice cream maker and don’t have to do all that hand cranking of my childhood! I might even throw in some cooked fresh cherrys in the mix, but no cucumber…

  15. Hi… I find your blog very intriguing… I understand your cristicisms… your’re free to say that anyways, free to your opinions and all… well, i found the book(s) like a mature version of Twilight. Very much matured. if I just focus on the sexy exotic kinkery stuffs (or whatsoever you wanna call it), then the book may seem too porn… but in my opinion (which im free to say as you are), i can see that there’s depth in it, there’s substance. I guess, we are who we are right now because of the specks of what we have experienced in the past, or our childhood. And we try our best to improve our situation and become a better person to any means we can… Like Twilight, there are parts which are reality, and there are also fictional. Same on the Fifty Shades, but the writer tried to come as close to realities and possibilities. Who knows, Cartier might create a glider as a lot would probably want to have the charm that was metioned in the book… (like the charm in Twilight – being sold to almost anywhere during the hype)… Vanilla Sex – i honestly wanted that term. I was not familiar with the BDSM thing until i have read the book. I also liked some spice in my sex life but never had some terminologies attached to it, until now.

    Regardless of our critics, the books have been sold to millions and are already running out of stock. E.L. James maybe a crazy wild writer, but never different with the other wrtiters who are also with crazy wild imaginations like going to a school to learn sorcery through a train station brick wall or humans transforming to wolves or men crazy fighting for a powerful ring or brave woman fighting for life because she volunteered for her sister to have the odds be on her favor…

  16. Maddylicious says:

    Who cares what you think… it was written, it has been read by thousands, it’s still being read by thousands, it’s going to be made into a movie, it’s made millions, it’s going to make more millions… and it’s still going strong!!! But you were entitle to your opinion!

    I loved it… and although you say it was poorly written on your report above, you read it and that’s all that matters, I’m sure, to E. L. James!

  17. Now I want to have sex!!!! Rape and submission would be sooooo fun right now!!!!

  18. I agree in that E L isnt the best writer in the world, as in that you can make a sexy story w/o the four letter F -word and having sex every five minutes and also saying OH MY every other sentence. Aside form that, Shades really does have a great story line and is actually comprehendable to those of us who really LISTEN (understand) what we are reading. Unfortunately there are many many people like Grey who are abused in childhood and have really weird after-effects from it and act out in different ways as adults and some are NOT too pleasant!! I’m only on book 2 of the series however I hope he ends up with Ana at the end!

    • Thank you so much! I thought I was the only one that thought what he wrote is just a load of crap. He is so one sided in his judgement and hasn’t even done his own research.. Hey welcome to the world where women can have multiple orgasms!!
      And P.S. He ended up obviously with a pregnant-for-a-second-child Ana and a 2 year old child

  19. AMAZING!!! Is it gluten free though?

  20. Let me get it – you don’t believe that women can get multiple orgasms?
    Are you serious?

  21. Julie U says:

    vanilla ice cream or maybe cheesecake.

  22. Julie U says:

    Beanilla fan on FB

  23. lisa saville says:

    Ice cream, of course!

  24. I want to make this ice cream and vanilla bean pound cake! Then have ice cream & pound cake & strawberries…NOM!

  25. Liked Beanilla on Facebook :)

Speak Your Mind


By: ifood.tv